Opinions

Have you ever had the feeling that the opinion of a person that you had cherished in the past has come to disappoint you in the present?

I came to realize that today when one of the leaders at my home church expressed his opinions to me on what to do when I graduated. In a discussion, I told him what I felt and then he responded by telling me to "look at all my options."

Now I am open to looking at all the options, and I know that I need to look at everything that is available to me, but I knew that in the way that he was telling me things that he was expresses his theological beliefs as well as through the expression of these beliefs the in my opinion rejection of my opinions.

This really disappointed me for I had for years looked to this person as a spiritual leader, but in this discussion I realized that his beliefs in theology were opposed to mine and that I would need to heed what he told me with that fact in mine.

I am not trying to make myself sound as if I am against differing opinions, but I know that in situations such as this I cannot let the beliefs of another compromise what it is that I know and hold true.

One of the things that I try to do is surround myself with people who have like opinions with myself, specifically when it comes to theological beliefs.

These beliefs are quiet possible the most important beliefs to have for it is theological beliefs that shape us as Christians. It is in these theological beliefs that we find our identity as Christians.

So to have someone in a way question or go against these ideals, especially when I know that this person is a fellow Christian is disconcerting.

I have had to defend my beliefs to non-Christians before and I am at least comfortable when it comes to this, but to have to listen to someone who is a fellow believer go against my beliefs was a new experience.

Maturity

It is really amazing how much we mature over the years, in ways physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Take for example a seventh grader. Fresh into a youth group, the seventh grader brings with them an immaturity that only the nurturing of others can help to end.

However, through interactions with others, namely older adults, youth leaders, and fellow older youth the young are able to come to terms with their immaturity and eventually grow into young adults.

I find it interesting how younger youth interact with each other when they are in the presence of older youth and adults, especially when there are more younger youth than older people.

It seems to me that the younger youth, when in the presence of their older peers only, attempt to try to “act up” to the older youth, showing just how mature they think they are. However, it is in the environments when there are more younger youth than older youth that this façade of maturity ends.

I bring this up because I have found that I have had experiences such as this when it comes to spirituality in that when I am around those who know more about faith than me I attempt to “act up” to their knowledge of faith.

Case in point: on the way to the airport in Sao Paulo last spring on missions, two of the guys on the trip with me were having a discussion on Calvinism, and I attempted to act like I knew what they were talking about and tried to stay in the discussion.

However, at the time I knew that there was Calvinism and that was it. I knew nothing of the tenants of Calvinism and just tried to pick up on them as the discussion went on.

This is a clear sign of immaturity in that I attempted to “act up” while later in an environment where I was more comfortable I was able to admit my lack of an understanding of the topic.

If I were truly mature, I would have been able to admit this lack of knowledge when the discussion had begun.

A recurring theme of this it seems is that there are areas in my life where I need to continue to grow, and this is definitely an example of this.

As I continue to grow in my faith and as a person, I hope that I will be able to grow out of the immaturity that I have talked about above, as well as the immaturity that I live in as a college student who in the past has been susceptible to stumble.

I freely admit that in the past I have made mistakes, such as gone out with friends and done things that I regret, namely going out and drinking excessively.

And the ability to come past that stage is just one of the ways in which I feel that I have matured, for as I mentioned in a previous post, I have attempted to distance myself from the actions that have caused me to stumble in the past.

Maturity. It is definitely something that is in the eye of the beholder, but I feel, no I know that there are areas I need to mature, and I know that I need to continue to work on maturing myself as I grow.

Finding Blessings

In a previous post I wrote about how important it is for us to be able to recognize the blessings that God has put before us.

Well today I found an amazing example of the blessings that God can and does provide to those to who are faithful to him.

I have made it no secret that I am planning on pursuing a path in missions to serve God and spread the word of the Gospel. Well, in the time being, since I am still a full time student, I attempt to take all the available opportunities to go and help spread the word of God.

Well, as you might imagine, this can be rather expensive.

Well, my mom called me and told me that she had spoken to someone who has quite a bit of influence in my home church (the pastor's wife) and she had taken an interest in my plans for missions and asked my mom to have me set up a time so that we could sit down and talk. So today I met with her at the Panera Bread in Southern Pines.

Wow was I amazed at what we talked about as well as the blessing that this meeting has given me!

In this time of discussion, she told me how I should go about trying to gain funding for my mission trip to Southeast Asia and the ways that I need to go about attempting to secure that funding.

She further told me that she would attempt to help me with my pursuit of help from the church for she wanted me to be able to see that the church where I grew up would take care of me.

Wow, simply wow. It is amazing how good God is to us if we just listen. I could have not set up this meeting, I could have (excuse the language) half-assed what I told her, but instead I recognized this as an opportunity and low and behold it was a blessing from God.

The funding for my Southeast Asia trip was one of the things that has been worrying me for a while, so to know that God has blessed me with a potential source of funding to help pay for the trip is such a relief that I know that God is looking out for me.

And I pray that this will continue to occur in the future, but not just for me. I pray that we will all jump on the opportunities that are presented to us and be able to recognize that God blesses us through these opportunities.

Moral of the story: it is through opportunity that God blesses us, we just need to be able to recognize it.

The Future

There are some things that are just so frustrating, but nothing can be more frustrating than the questioning of the plans that people have for the future.

More specifically, the way that othrs can question the plans that I have made for the future.

I know that my plans are not airtight, I know that my plans are not perfect, but as far as I am concerned they are as well laid out as possible.

I know that there will be obstacles for me to face. I know that there will be problems that I will face as the years pass, but I know that I believe that I will able to overcome whatever comes my way.

I know that the path that I have chosen is a difficult one, but I also know that it is the path that I am meant to undertake.

And that is the key thing that I keep trying to tell people.

I know that this is the path that I am meant to take because this is the path that has been laid out before me.

As I have mentioned, I have sustained so much personal growth over the past two years that I know that I am better able to grasp the plans and view the path that I believe God has laid out before me.

So when people question me and my future plans, to me it feels like they are questioning the growth that I have had as a person over the past two years.

And I know that this is not the intention, but it is what it feels like.

So I know that I need to overcome this feeling, but I know that it will be hard for me to do this as i have a propensity to take things personally.

And when I get over this, I will get over many things that are difficult in my life.

Counting Blessings

So how many times have you ever sat down and thought of all the ways that the Lord has blessed you, that you have been vindicated and pulled out of death through the death of Jesus?

Honestly, think about it. I for one know that I don't do that nearly enough.

I don't sit and think about the blessing that I have in my education, that this will enable me to do things that billions of other people in the world are unable to even imagine.

I don't sit and think about the blessing that I have in the house that I live in, the fact that at the end of the day I have a place that is warm where I am able to lay my head and be at peace.

I don't sit and think about the blessing that I have in the family that I have that loves and supports me and will love and support me through all of my days.

I don't sit and think about the blessing that I have in the people that I surround myself with everyday, the friends and companions of mine in whom I can confide and know that they will not let me down.

I don't sit and think about the blessing that I have in salvation, the fact that God loved me and this world so much that He sent his one and only Son to come upon the Earth and die.

Think about that - He sent his Son to DIE, not to live, but to DIE! While Jesus did rise again, the only way for Him to be resurrected was for Him to make the ultimate sacrifice and die a death so horrible that I don't wish it on anyone.

This is a blessing above all other blessings.

And I know that in my everyday life, I don't dwell on this nearly enough. I know that if I truly did, I would have a greater appreciation of what it means to be claimed by grace, to know that I have a place in Heaven through the blood of Christ.

How could I possibly live up to that blessing?

Two simple words: I can't.

I know that I can never live in such a way as to fully repay my debt to God, all I can do is live my life in such a way to bring Him glory. And I know that through that, I will find my blessings and count them in every way that I can.

Fellowship

By far one of the greatest things that has helped me change my life this past year has been my fellowship that I have had with three guys who have all helped me in different ways.

Two ministers and one good friend whom I trust with so much.

I know that it is important for me to be able to express how I feel to another for it is this inability that has hindered my spiritual and emotional growth.

Take today for example.

I had the opportunity to go to a friends birthday party, which I would have loved to do. However, I know that had I gone to this party, then I would have done things that I would have regretted in the long run.

In years gone by, I would have not thought twice about going out, getting drunk, and potentially making a fool of myself. Also, this would have ruined the ministry that I have attempted to build between me and my friends.

However, instead of doing this, I instead made a decision to do something different.

While it is true that I could have gone to the party, not had anything to drink and instead just hung out, I don't think that putting myself in a situation to be tempted by alcohol would be constructive.

So instead I went and played football with a group of guys from the ministry that I attend.

And it was amazing.

This type of decision is what I mean when I say that I have grown spiritually and emotionally through fellowship with these three guys. I know that by being able to open up about who I am then they are able to help me see the error of my ways and attempt to change the direction that my life is going.

As one of my fellowship partners told me, "In order to change our lives out of sin then we need to acknowledge that we are in sin."

It is through fellowship that I feel that I am better able to recognize my sin and through that I am able to attempt to change my life out of sin.

Leadership

There is such a great difference between good and bad leadership, Godly leadership and selfish leadership.

And unfortunately, right now it seems that I am stuck right in the middle of a battle between two examples of both types of leadership.

Right now there is a real split going on in one of the organizations that I am involved in and it truly pains me to see how friends that I have seem to be divided as to who they support, the student or the teacher.

I personally feel that this is an example of younger, less experienced people not knowing what is best for the organization that they have been entrusted to take a leadership role in.

It is unfortunate that this is the case, and I hate speculating about things that I am not directly involved in, but I feel that in this situation it is important for me to say what I think and feel and for me to be clear as to this.

I feel that the organization is on the verge of a dangerous transitional period that could either cripple the organization or galvanize the members of the organization to grow together.

However, realistically, I know in my heart and in my mind that the only way for the current situation to be fixed is for there to be some alienation for the change is absolutely necessary.

And I really hate saying that. I really do.

But like I said, I know in my heart that the best thing for the organization is for there to be almost a pruning of members who are holding the organization back from achieving its overall goals.

All I can do is pray that this will work in the long run.

Frustration

I am sure that you will know what I am talking about when I mention ultimate frustration. That feeling where you are so frustrated at a particular instance that you cannot let go of it, you keep replaying what happened in your mind over and over again, trying to figure out what you could have done differently.

Well I had one of those moments. It occurred over Thanksgiving break when I went hunting with my uncle Russell, and I missed when I shot at a deer.

I know, this seems like a small thing, but for me it was really, truly frustrating for I have never killed a deer and this was in fact the first time that I shot at one. So to miss, for me it invalidated all that I had tried to do while I was out there.

And now for the past few days I have done nothing except replay the moments before I pulled the trigger and have just wondered the entire time what I could have done differently to hit the deer.

And now, as I have thought about this for several days, I realize that frustration is not a bad thing if we allow ourselves to grow from that frustration. In other words, because I missed the deer, I can learn from the things that I did the last time and will use that the next time I have a shot at a deer.

In greater circumstances, we need to take the frustrations that we feel and know that the true reason for the frustration that we feel is to grow. I would imagine Adam and Eve were pretty frustrated when they were kicked out of Eden, but I bet they used the experiences that they gained and used that to better themselves.

But the key thing to frustrations is that we cannot fall into the hole of ignorance, which leads us to become more frustrated when we realize that we did not learn anything from previous experiences. Trust me, I know that there have been plenty of times when I became greatly frustrated and didn't learn anything from the experience, and as a result I just became even more frustrated.

I guess that the main reason we become frustrated is because we realize in our frustration that we were ignorant in the past. Follow me here, but I think that the reason we become frustrated in certain situations is that we think that we can do something yet are ignorant to the fact that we cannot.

I am not trying to say that frustration is all bad, which I realize I haven't because the entire first part of this post is about the positives of frustration.

And there you go. I am frustrated at my lack of focus on how my post is shaping up.

Thanksgiving

So, it is that time of year again. The time of year when we are supposed to be thankful for all the things that we have in this life, both material and not. So with that in mind, I decided with this post to list the things that I am thankful for. Let me preface this by saying that these are no particular order, so if you think something should be higher that something else, know that I am just listing things as they come to mind. So, here goes.

I am thankful for...

My loving family, all my friends new and old, Thrice, the Bible, my education, my opportunities, my ambitions, my faith, Diet Dew, my mentors, my teachers both at and out of school, Fifa 08, my vehicle, my job, my apartment, the guys I live with, Facebook, Google Translator, my hobbies, my shortcomings, my passions, the Carolina Hurricanes, and last but certainly not least, God the Father and His son Jesus Christ for the salvation that is present on this Earth.

So, wow, I guess that random mix comes from when you try to do a stream of consciousness writing on what you are thankful for. Anyway...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Education

So here is the deal. Ever had THAT teacher?

You know, the one who is ridiculously easy, allows for input on everything, doesn't really seem to care about grading, even misses a few classes?

Yeah, I have one of those right now, and it is both a blessing and a curse.

First of all, I love it because it enables me to pretty much not worry about what will be going on in that class.

However, I hate it because I am not learning anything, which completely defeats the purpose of taking the class.

As with most things, I am about to turn this into a greater lesson for me, in terms of both faith and life.

For me, this idea of a "good teacher" and a "bad teacher" grows further out than just simply a Spanish class or a sermon. It stems from the fact that a teacher should allow for the examination of one's self, which leads to not only gaining knowledge but also the ability to grow personally as a result of the gaining of knowledge.

I hold my teachers, be they Communication professors or Bible Study instructors, to a standard that if I am only gaining knowledge, then I am not truly learning. Like I said, it is the ability for me to grow personally as a result of the knowledge gained that makes me denote a teacher as good or bad.

I know, I have high standards, but if I didn't have high standards I would be at North Carolina State University.

Holding my teachers to this standard is vital to me as it forces me to realize that I have only had a handful of truly "good" teachers. And, on the flipside, I have had plenty of bad ones.

While I have, as I said above, one bad teacher right now, I am very thankful that at the same time I also have two very good teachers. One of the teachers may not be the best for my gaining of knowledge, but I have achieved much personal growth in his class. The other teacher has helped me to gain much spiritual growth.

Ah teachers, they sure are great.

Talking

There are a lot of things that I wonder about, and the interactions that I have between me and my parents are especially interesting to me.

On the one hand I want them to know who I am and how I feel and I want to listen to them, but at the same time I want to keep them at an arms length, not letting them become to involved in my life while not letting them have too great an influence on my life.

One of the key examples comes from the conversations that have occurred between my parents and myself in regards to the reasons for their divorce.

Many times that I talk with my parents, they will attempt to tell me the reasons they got divorced, and my response is always "I don't want to know."

My excuse to this is that if I know how the divorce occurred, then I would side with one parent more than I would with the other.

And pardon the language, but I know in my mind that that is utter bullspit.

I know that the true reason I don't want to know is that I am afraid to know.

I am afraid to have the status quo that currently exists between my parents and I change as it would force us to examine our relationships and then work to keep them the way that they have been.

And that scares me.

I have come so far as a person since the divorce occurred and I am a much stronger person than I used to be, however I feel that if I were to discover the true reasons then the growth that I have had will be null as I will have to continue to have to try to keep growing.

And I know that I sound lazy in these sentiments, but if you were to truly know what I went through over a period of four years, then you will understand the fact that this is not laziness speaking.

I have the reputation of cutting corners, not doing everything that is necessary, just doing what is necessary to get by.

However, in this situation, I tell you that I do not want to undergo this because I know that if I did, it would not be good for me in the long run.

Relationships

So, you ever listen to something or watch something and come to realize that it has more of a meaning to it than what you originally thought?

I love it when that happens. I really do. It is like coming to know something even better because you are able to read deeper into it.

Now how about when you come to that realization and it is about a person? That is even better, because it seems to form a bond that you did not realize was there.

Well, in my life, it is annoying because there are some people where I feel like I have reached that point with them, but then they say or do something and it leads me to question just how well i thought I knew that person.

Honestly, it drives me crazy to think that I don't know a person as well as I thought I did. Here I am, trying to be a good friend, supportive, caring, questioning, yet the person that I am trying to get to know better does not seem to want to have anything to do with this.

AHHHHHH!

It just drives me crazy sometimes because I think that this person knows that I am meaning well, but I just can't do anything about it.

Oh well, maybe it is just me seeming like a nosy, cocky person who needs to back off. Or maybe I just really don't know this person as well as I would like.

Relationships are a tough thing, be they between me and friends, me and classmates, me and anybody. I really think sometime that yes, I am a good person to get along with, but at the same time I don't seem to be a person that people like to confide in.

And that drives me insane. Ever since my parent's split, I have attempted to make myself available for others when they are in need of expressing feelings, yet not many people like to take me up on these offerings.

Maybe I should just accept the fact that I may not be "that person," meaning the one that people turn to when they have problems.

Or better, maybe I should attempt to adjust my communication tactics and further try to open myself to my friends.

Only time will tell...

Time

Time...

For a man made construct, there never seems to be enough of it. Especially while in college.

If you don't know what I am talking about, then you wouldn't understand even if I tried to explain to you. Lets just say that right now I am very stressed out because there is never enough time for me to get what I need done done.

But that is the beauty of knowing that I am not alone in this journey of college and life. I know that for while I am stressing about school, there are thousands of other students at the same university who are just as stressed.

And I know that even though it feels like I am having to do all this by myself, I know that God is walking with me at all times.

Isn't that an awesome feeling, knowing that you are not alone no matter how it is you feel. Knowing that there is always someone there for you to rely on.

I know I take solace in that fact, for I don't think I would know what to do if I thought there was not a greater power, be it God or not, to live my life for.

So in that sense, I am truly a bumper sticker saying..."Stressed but Blessed."

Realizations

Have you ever been sitting around and just had a realization about something that is going on in your life?

Some people call these epiphanies, but I call them potentially life changing realizations because I know that I have no control over where this realization is going to lead me. So basically, whenever I come to a drastic realization, I run with it.

This can sometimes be good and sometimes be bad, just as it can sometimes be a small change and it can sometimes be something huge.

An example of the small kind of realization occurred while I was at B-Dubs (Buffalo Wild Wings for you non-Chapel Hillers) and I got the Caribbean Jerk sauce and didn't like it. This realization had led to me not getting that sauce any more.

However, on a more serious side of realizations, I have had a few recently that have made me begin to question to direction that my life has been going. One of these is the realization that I have been avoiding coming to terms with the direction that my life is heading and have been trying to delude myself with thoughts of what I want to do.

This came to a T when I felt that I was being called to forgo my plans of going into the field of public relations and instead pursue serving God. I was at first hesitant because this realization would mean that I would have to abandon the plans that I had made in order to do what I didn't view as my direction for life.

And that was it... The moment when I realized that I was living my life not in the way that God had wanted it, but in the way that I wanted it. This moment was quite an event for me, as I realized that I had been living selfishly and had not paid attention to what God would have me do.

For me to live my live in such a way that would be truly pleasing and giving all glory and honor to God, I know that I have to be able to consciously make the decision to turn away from my selfish plans for life and instead trust fully and faithfully that God will not lead me astray.

As the Bible tells us in Jeremiah 11:29, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

It is realizations like that that change lives. Now you see why I say realization. An epiphany is something that comes to you spur of the moment, while a true realization requires reflection.

First post...

So, blogging...

I guess this is just me introducing myself to the reading public, whoever is out there.

So, I was thinking about it the other day, and I was trying to figure out what my moment of perfect contentedness (probably not a word, but I am going to with it) was.

So, here is what I figured out, and if you are not into this reading for the long haul, bail out now, trust me.

Anyway, on October 14, 2005, I got out of UNC for my first ever fall break. It was a good time. Anyway, for about a month and a half leading up to fall break, I had been looking forward to the night of the 14th in that it was when I was going to Wilmington to see Norma Jean play in concert.

For those of you who don't know, they are one of if not my favorite band.

So, I got out of class at 2:50. I ran back to my dorm, grabbed my things, loaded them into my car, and hit the road. It was a 3 hour drive to Wilmington and the show started at 7, so if I had it timed right and I didn't get lost or hit traffic then I would be fine.

So, I drive to Wilmington, and get to a public parking lot that is behind the concert hall. I get out, pay for parking, put the recept in my wallet and walk to the line for the show.

When Norma Jean comes on stage, I am in a feeling of ultimate bliss. Here I was, in a packed concert hall in Wilmington, and I am only three feet away from my favorite band.

And the start their show with my favorite song, Disconecktie.

The following hour was one of the best times of my life.

I was roughed up, slammed against the stage, pushed, pulled, and loved every minute of it.

Just being there to support my favorite band was one of the greatest moments of my life as it was just me wrapped in the music that they were playing.

I left that concert bruised, deaf, unable to talk cause I had been screaming my voice out, an I didn't have a complaint in the world.

So, I leave the concert and get to my car and find it with a boot on a rear tire and a 65 dollar parking ticket on it. Becasue I had not put my parking recept in the car, I had the ticket.

Thankfully, the guy who gave me the ticket was still in the parking lot and he let me go without paying the ticket when I showed him the parking recept, so all was well.

Anyway, when I arrived at my beach house just south of Wilmington to stay the night, I was able to reflect on the concert and realized something.

THAT WAS THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE!!!