Talking

There are a lot of things that I wonder about, and the interactions that I have between me and my parents are especially interesting to me.

On the one hand I want them to know who I am and how I feel and I want to listen to them, but at the same time I want to keep them at an arms length, not letting them become to involved in my life while not letting them have too great an influence on my life.

One of the key examples comes from the conversations that have occurred between my parents and myself in regards to the reasons for their divorce.

Many times that I talk with my parents, they will attempt to tell me the reasons they got divorced, and my response is always "I don't want to know."

My excuse to this is that if I know how the divorce occurred, then I would side with one parent more than I would with the other.

And pardon the language, but I know in my mind that that is utter bullspit.

I know that the true reason I don't want to know is that I am afraid to know.

I am afraid to have the status quo that currently exists between my parents and I change as it would force us to examine our relationships and then work to keep them the way that they have been.

And that scares me.

I have come so far as a person since the divorce occurred and I am a much stronger person than I used to be, however I feel that if I were to discover the true reasons then the growth that I have had will be null as I will have to continue to have to try to keep growing.

And I know that I sound lazy in these sentiments, but if you were to truly know what I went through over a period of four years, then you will understand the fact that this is not laziness speaking.

I have the reputation of cutting corners, not doing everything that is necessary, just doing what is necessary to get by.

However, in this situation, I tell you that I do not want to undergo this because I know that if I did, it would not be good for me in the long run.